The Silly Drunk
by kiwiibells
Summary: Edward, Bella, and Jacob discover some new and interesting things...hehe  Rated M for language and...other things


**This is based off of the Twilight Saga. I do not own it, Stephenie Meyer does. And she is amazing, by far. :]**

This is chapter 1. So there might be a sequel. Maybe..

Before this story starts, be enlightened by the fact that the main character in this story is myself, (Kylie) and Becky is my friend that accompanies me. Just had to inform you so you didn't freak out. :D

**PS. Jacob lovers will not like this story.**

This story is meant to be funny and for fun. I think I said that right….haha. If you do not have a sense of humor, I extremely caution you to not read this at all. If you read it, YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. SO NO FLAMING!

Get it? Got it? Good.

Oh yeah…..there are some quotes* in here that I need to give credit for some other fan fictions….I don't remember who you are, sorry….but message me so I can give you credit for it. Sorry….I just liked them so much that I used them….without asking permission…..Please forgive me… :[

**Chapter 1: Imprinting and Being Drunk**

I just happened to be walking to Forks one day, admiring the pretty green forest, and I said aloud, "Dude. This place is _rainy_!"

Becky popped out of nowhere and agreed. "Yeah, like, seriously."

"Dude! You popped out of nowhere!" I said, dumbfounded.

"Um…yeah…the writer just typed that…" Becky replied, just as bewildered with my response.

"Ha ha. This is FUN!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"LIFE IS GOOOODEH"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!"

"I sure hope it isn't…" said a voice.

What? Who? What voice? I whipped around and saw that it was Edward Cullen. Dang. He is sexy. Bella is lucky. I wonder where she is….hmm….

Edward rolled his eyes. "Good lord, not another one of those fan fictions…"

I giggled and busted out, "Alice rhymes with pie!"*

Edward just shook his head and started to walk away.

"DON'T LEAVE! I _NEED_ YOU!" I bellowed.

He stopped right where he was and turned around to give me a surprised, I-can't believe-you-thought-of-that-look. Uh oh.

"Ew." He said, with a disgusted look on his face.

Utterly perplexed I asked, "Ew, _what_?"

"You are _sick_."

Oh. OOOOOOHHH. Ha, ha. Right. I understand, now. What? I was only picturing him naked….

"_Only_?" He asked while making a face. Then he wrinkled his nose as if he smelled Jacob nearby.

"STOP READING MY MIND!" I shouted. Bah. Where is Jasper when you need him?

Becky piped in, "Yeah…you might REALLY SERIOUSLY get freaked out…because she likes PICKLES." And then she just _had_ to grin her crooked eyed, buck toothed grin. _Why?_

Edward slapped his forehead in frustration. "CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY PAST?"

I decided to change the subject. "Where's Bella?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Drunk."

Becky and I exchanged looks. Then we burst into fits of giggles.

"Oh God." Edward said, rolling his eyes again.

"DON'T USE GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!" I bellowed. Then I started giggling again because of how I see things in my head. Ha, ha. Edward looked shocked and started to back away slowly. Becky understood immediately. "Kylie, stop picturing him naked!" Oops. "I…what…?" No. Ha.

Edward started to look frustrated and then rolled his eyes. "Just so you know, that's not what I look like."

Oh my gosh! "What, you're bigger than that?" I nearly yelled. Poor Becky. She looked totally embarrassed with me. "KYLIE! You dirty, dirty girl!" She gasped. That got me thinking.

I started to chant, "Dirty, dirty, _dirty_! Dirty, dirty, _dirty_!"

The only reason I stopped chanting was because Bella clumsily popped out of nowhere. How come everyone seems to do that around here?

"Haaaaay, sexies!" She said, super wobbly. And drunk.

Edward looked concerned and picked her up bride style. "What am I going to do with you, you drunken klutz?"

Bella replied, "Play with me naked." And then she winked. Oh man.

I turned to Becky, feeling totally out of place with Edward and Bella here together. Golly gee. It makes me want an Edward really bad. Bah. "Wanna go get drunk?" I asked her.

She grinned. "YEAH!"

"Let's get some shoes!" Shouted Jacob, in a really girlie, high pitched voice. What?

Everyone stopped everything and stared at him.

Edward started, "What. The. Fu-" And was interrupted by Bella.

"Jacob rhymes with poop! Poop, poop, poop, poop, soup!" Then she burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Jacob looked confused, and unsatisfied with the attention he'd wanted the first time, he said it again with perhaps more girlie enthusiasm. "Let's get some shoes!"

Becky slapped him in the face. "Stupid boy!" I tried not to laugh loudly, but I failed miserably.

And then Bella had to add in, "Let's party!"

Edward looked shocked and embarrassed for Bella for being drunk. He grabbed her by the collar of her shirt as she started to walk towards Jacob. "Oh, no you don't."

"But I'm thirsty!" She protested.

"Oy, not again!" Edward wailed almost in agony.

"But, I'm thirsty!" She whined again.

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her slightly, "STOP BEING DRUNK!"

She looked at him through miserable eyes. "BUT I'm THIRSTY!"

Jacob blurted out loudly, apparently unable to contain himself anymore, and angry that the attention was not on him anymore, "That's because you eat too much, you PIG!"

Bella slowly turned around to look at him, clumsily tripping over her own foot, and tears started to form in her eyes. Then she asked rather whiny, "WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?"

SLAP

SLAP

SLAP

Edward, Band Becky and I had swiftly ran over to take turns slapping Jacob in the face. Edward was successful, of course, but Becky and I sported terribly bruised hands.

"OW!" I moaned, clutching my hand.

Becky looked just as pained. "OW dammit!"

As though nothing had just happened, Bella stated rather cheerfully with a rather goofy grin on her face, "I'm hungry!"

Edward threw his palm to his forehead so it emitted a loud smacking sound. "I HATE you Jacob!"

Jacob looked politely puzzled. "Why? I don't love _Bella_ anymore," Edward huffed impatiently. Jacob rolled his eyes impatiently as if what he was about to say next was obvious. "I've imprinted. I love _Mike_."

Everyone's jaws dropped. Even Bella's.

Becky gasped, "W-what?"

"Hooray for impregnating!" Bella cheered, clapping her hands excitedly.

Edward looked at her softly and whispered gently, "No, Bella, _imprinting_."

She looked up at him, suddenly shocked. "Ohhh _owww_," she moaned, clutching her head. "My head hurts."

Edward's face was apparent with relief, "Thank the lord. You have a hangover."

"Crap," she muttered.

Becky and I were still gaping at the scene. Then my eyes flickered to Edward who was, with a confused look on his face, bending down to pick up sort of a long, cottony red thing. My eyes widened even more, the sides of my mouth twitching.

"Edward…" I muttered, trying to hold back a giggle.

He looked at it strangely. "What? What is this?" He then noticed the string coming from one end of it. Comprehension dawned on his face as all the girls started giggling and guffawing uncontrollably. He just stared at it in shock.

I started, "Edward, it's a-"

"OOPSIE my tampon fell out!" Bella interrupted, crossing her eyes.

"EURGHWAA!" Edward then flung it across the room, and it so happened to land straight into Jacob's yawning mouth.

"MMPPFFTHH!" Jacob tried to yell, and spit it out of his mouth hastily, his eyes bulging madly.

Everyone, including Edward, started rolling around on the floor, clutching their sides from laughter. I nearly peed my pants.

Bella started chanting gleefully, "Jacob is gay, Jacob is gay!"

"I LOVE HIM, YOU BLOODSUCKER-LOVING SKANK!" Jacob bellowed loudly.

I chimed just as loudly, "VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!"

Edward raised an eyebrow, "What the fuck's a voldermort?"

"Just never mind." Becky stated, matter-of-factly. "I still want shoes…" Jacob muttered.

Becky rolled her eyes. "Then go shopping with Mikey, you dipweed."

Jacob frowned hugely and said, "Fine!" He then turned into a puppy and scampered away.

Me and Becky high-fived.

Bella looked up at Edward. "I looooove you."

He looked down at her huskily. "Growls playfully."

I instantly palm-faced. "Edward, you dumb-shit, you weren't supposed to _say_ that! 'growls playfully' was _clearly_ in asterisks!"

Edward shrugged. "Oh well."

Bella then moved so suddenly and swift, it was as if she was a vampire already. She ripped her clothes off all at once. "COME AND GET ME BABY!"

Becky and I hid our eyes while Edward gaped at her.

Realizing that Edward had never seen her naked before, Bella muttered, "Oopsie…"

Edward's pants were dancing. "Um…"

"EEWW!" Becky and I yelled in unison. Or…was it "ew"? Yes. Yes it was.

Trying to avoid mine and Becky's eyes from looking at Bella's naked torso (and his happy pants) he quickly scooped her up in his arms and bolted into the forest.

"I'm leaving." I said shortly.

"Hellz yeah, me too." Becky agreed quickly.

The End. [for now] hehe.


End file.
